Dear Rosé,

Dear Rose, 最近很少过来这里碎碎念了，可能最近终于可以忙起来，出门见见朋友，和妈妈去喝个下午茶，心情舒畅很多。 论文应该还剩下20% - 30% 吧，今天见了教授，叫我不要太纠结，赶快解决掉好马上开始PhD。嗯。 还说等做完PhD才结婚，OK 朋友的喜事连连，有的订婚注册，有的生小孩，准备买房。。。很热闹。 而我真的没有打算跟大家一起赶着完成各项“人生大事”，我喜欢依我的步调踏实地走。 把时间和心思投资在自己身上肯定不会亏。身边绕着几个知心的朋友和家人陪伴，人生就很美满。 希望可以一直这样完完整整地在一起。 外面烟火好吵，又过年了！

Dear Rose, It's been a busy week, but I am very grateful for having to play music with the band again.  We are happy for all our friends who get to play live gigs too. Start seeing live jazz and swing dancers around, the vibe is back, the city is alive again.  Despite messy schedule, my bestfriend aka soul buddy and I still managed to catch up and have a short visit to the Pasar Seni, which used to be my favorite place to hang.  I am always grateful that I have this friend of mine, we can always share thoughts and feelings. Just feel connected in many ways.  He was the person who shared the book "Quiet" with me many years ago, and talked to me about my insecurities. Reminded me to stay calm when things get overwhelmed. He is one of my most important buddies because we deal with each other's shits, like he found me when I lost my direction at the Jonker Street, Singapore LOL In the car, he asked me how I feel about adulting.  It somehow made me felt relieved and maybe

Dear Rosé, Just ended my last class with Mr. Bauman and there are still so many things to learn. I really want to feel what they feel being a black American musician rooted in New Orleans. What is in their spirits ? Unfortunately, life goes on. As now industries seem to start recovering from the pandemic, schools are preparing to reopen. Although there are still many uncertainties, cases are still raising like crazy but people want to believe vaccines can protect us from the deathly Covid-19. Gigs are slowly coming in. I guess this is another round of never ending adjustment and adaptation, and I am feeling a little more overwhelming, unstable, uncertain, anxious, at the same time excited again. I am not sure about this mixed feeling and emotion. Like Mr. Bauman said, "it is like you're excited, but at the same time not sure." Things are getting a lot busier.  And I always want to stay grounded at uncertain times like this .    I want to remember the words Mr. Bauman told

Dear Ros é , 这个星期有比较开心的感觉，为什么呢？ 因为早睡的关系？的确睡饱了，一天下来的感觉也比顺利。 还有护肤。最近有稍微照顾自己的皮肤多一点，让自己漂亮起来，状态好，心情也好。 之前一直熬夜，黑眼圈和脸色很差，吓死自己了。 这几天收到了网购的摄影灯具，测试了一下上传到网上，不小心受到了关注，来自网友和朋友的称赞和鼓励，让我觉得原来大家都喜欢看到我一直都有好好的。 " So adorable. I'm happy to see you being you and happy Yoong Wei 😍😊👍 "  "Beautiful"  "your turn to be confident." Thank you for the love. Really appreciate that.  原来一个人 学会爱自己就会有人来爱你 ，这是真的。 能量满满。 就这样，继续把 to-do list一个一个完成，然后照顾好自己，生活刚刚好。每一天都美好。 严爵，看到你美好的小夫妻生活，简简单单，继续做自己，热衷自己喜欢的事情，我看着也替你开心啊，如果可以加入你的团队就更好了。你是我的太阳。🌞 以前我觉得自己想要另一半是导演摄影师之类的，我配乐他摄影，现在的你可能就是我想象中的样子，只是你一个人就可以做完全部的事情。/// 有时候人啊偏偏会活在自己成长过程的阴影下，偏偏不想要遇到的事情，想要逃脱，可是啊之前我有分享过的comfort zone，就算是 toxic 不好的事，人也会选择去重蹈覆辙，因为人就会一心想要改写历史，再经历一次的话想着可能会有不一样的结局。 为什么不直接接受一本全新的剧本呢？ 我一直在为此而努力着。也许扩大社交圈子，打开心，多和不同的人交涉之后，我才会重新找到真正属于我的地方吧。 慢慢来。 记得早点睡，晚安。 You're loved.  P.S. 狮子座的你，你可能不知道我其实懂你的小心思，但是你的线索就这么少。都过这么久了。还让我一直梦到你。姐姐不能陪你玩，你会受伤的。也可能就是因为你太懂我了，所以你也不往前了吧，你故意这么慢的吗？- 金牛座和狮子座没完没了的心理战 | 你今天问起那本我曾经很爱的 planner，我都忘了呢，谢谢你让我想起。  巨蟹座太多愁

Dear Rose, "The wound is not my fault. But the healing is my responsibility." The Impact of Childhood Neglect Growing up believing you're unlovable Low self-worth  ✔ Feeling like you have to give everything of yourself just so others won't leave you Feeling constantly alone/ unsafe in the world Developing an extreme level of self-sufficiency  ✔   Feeling undeserving of love Learning to be "the helper" for others but fighting all your own battles alone  ✔ Feeling insecure in your attachments  ✔ --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- RE-PARENTING INNER CHILD HEALING becoming aware of the ways in which we harm, abandon, and betray ourselves noticing our behavior and the impact on others. learning to regulate and self-soothe when we are triggered or reactive. recognizing and responding to our needs. working within our tolerance and gradually building it. reaching out for support and co-regu

 Dear Rose, 有一个关于“强迫性重复 (Repetition Compulsion)”的心理学文章是这么写的： 【使我们爱上一个人的，根本不是那些有点，而是“ 熟悉 ”的感觉。】那些曾经令我们受伤的特质。 试图通过【重写】历史，让过去受伤的历史能够重新拥有个完美大结局。 即使我们已经成人，我们内心的【小孩】依旧受着儿时父母留下的影响，试图用亲密关系重写童年不愉快的经历； 另一方面，【内心的小孩】像儿时夸大父母的能力一般，对亲密伴侣给与 不切实际的期望 ，从而造成 矛盾 。 同时，我们倾向于抱着希望 —— 一种 幼稚的希望 —— 认为如果我们更好、更完美、更聪明，甚至更安静、更幽默，我们的父母就会更爱我们，而我们则可以逃出 Abandon Depression (James Masterson, 1990)。 【在亲密的关系里，变成曾经最不想成为的自己。】 我们会以曾经被“虐待”的方式对待他人。面对伴侣时，更多深层的情绪和影响会被挖掘出来。谁让对方爱自己，因此很脆弱呢！ 其实，我们并无恶意，只是【内心的小孩】觉得：那个“虐待”自己的人是自己的对立面，那么对方的感受一定也和自己相反。这也是毁掉我们亲密关系的大敌。 受到以上这些影响的我们，到底应该怎么办？ 为了躲避曾经的不愉快，我们同时躲避掉了与之有关的一切特质 —— 包括那些好的部分。 例如你的父亲聪明稳重，但同时居高临下，拒绝一切新鲜话题，那么，你可能认为所有聪明稳重的人都有种卫道士的假正经。 显然，好坏都【杀死】也不是好办法。 因此，真正有用的是，去认识那个【内心小孩】，直面TA，与TA交流，听听TA到底什么感受，需要什么。 那些没有被满足的要求，只能由今天的自己完成，做自己【内心小孩】的合格家长。 至于对父母的【责怪】，你必须发现他们身上的不足， 必须为自己的这一时代不同的想像而活 ，否则，就会丧失成长、生活的能力。 真正成熟的你，或许可以更多地去练习温柔的同理和沟通。 因为，无论父母和伴侣多么的平庸，在每个人的心里，总有那么几点，使他们看起来如此伟大不一般。 Heal your inner child. You're loved. Goodnight. 

 Dear Rose, Take it easy, take your time.  "You should give yourself some more time … Don't worry no worries nobody will rush you to give anyone an explanation. This is your life, take control of it. Be accountable for any decision you make. 这样就够了。"  这一路可以有你们一起互相取暖，真的很感恩。 Thank you God for everything. Motion is medicine.  And here's my to-do: 1.    Become more observant . Notice everything that surrounds you. The world is full of examples, ideas, words, wisdom, mistakes, and experiences. 2.     Collect ideas. Ideas and thoughts tend to evaporate from your mind too fast. Try to capture them before it is too late. Ideally, write down or sketch every single one. 3.    Read. Read A LOT. Reading is probably the best investment of time ever. Devote at least 30 minutes per day to reading. Ideally, always have a book with you. 4.    Analyze your day. Before going to bed, spend 10 minutes analyzing your day. Consider what things you managed to do well and what mistakes you ma

 Dear Rose, Today is another lucky day. Having someone to spend time and relieve the negative feelings in me is always the luckiest thing.  Thank you. We talked about how working from home feels like when we are living together with our family. Many circumstances could distract us from work. So, we consider moving out as one of the alternatives. But this pandemic has taught me to appreciate my family more than ever.  This is the first time in my life I get to be with my family 24/7 for more than a year - the longest time ever. Before this, my parents, sibling and I, used to be very occupied with our work and my grandma was living 2 hours away from our city.  Living together has allowed us understand each other better I guess. Of course, there were conflicts and arguments almost everyday, but slowly we learn how to deal with each other's habits.  I am grateful to see my family healthy and safe everyday. // We also had a good conversation about what's going on in our relationship

Dear Rose, 20几岁很快就会过去了，突然想到自己30几岁的时候心态和思想应该会和现在很不一样。 就好像现在的自己也会和20岁以前的自己的想法很不一样。改变是好的，唯一女孩最介意的就是自己会变老吧。有时候翻回以前的照片会觉得哇，以前的自己好看，现在不一样了。 最近开始多拍拍照，一来、无聊好久没有机会可以打扮出门，二来、想要找回自己。 有句话： Visualize your highest self, then start showing up as her. 自己想象中的自己会是什么样子的呢？ 20几岁的自己要美美的，以后要也一直美美的。我喜欢自己有点女人味又知性的一面，偏偏生活把我磨成了女汉子。如果我可以更温柔一点就好了。 每天都有很多人因为疫情过世了，没有人知道自己会不会安全撑到最后。疫情很无情，这个世界每天都有很让人悲伤的事情，但是日子还是要过。 我最近常常会想，如果我明天就要死了，我今天会做什么呢？ 如果可以陪伴彼此的时间仅剩不多了，我们可以做什么呢？ 我变得更加珍惜身边的人，感恩每一天醒来可以见到家人平安健康，这样比什么都好。 我希望时间可以停留在此时此刻 … 我在房里做着自己的事情，外婆在隔壁房里休息，爸爸在修理家具，待会儿妈妈会开始准备晚餐，还有弟弟和狗闲着无事。 大家过着平静又温馨的小日子。 一直到疫情结束为止。 等疫情结束后，请摄影师来拍20几岁的自己做纪念好不好？/// Dear Self， I know you're doing the best you can. I believe in you. I love you . I promise to love you more by relax ing more, learn ing more, play ing more and loving others more. Sincerely, Me, Myself & I

Dear Rose, 跟新老师J上爵士即兴课有一段时间了，很有感觉。（虽然时差是一个问题，要上9点的早课 zzzz） 以前上爵士课都偏向技巧和爵士和声乐理为主，直到遇到J才发现原来爵士没有那么可怕。 之前学了一堆复杂的乐理才发现 欸 所以要从哪里开始练？有这么多音可以选那要用哪一个？等等的障碍。到后来也没有办法把该有的感情（FEEL）做到。整个听起来就很technical，练了一堆scales。 J让我明白什么叫做 “spirit”，他让我 听到了好的recordings ，真正的爵士乐。以前我都是随便听自己觉得好听的。 然后功课基本上是 没有乐谱 的，他在小号上吹一遍，我就想办法在长号上跟着吹一遍。我一开始真的很不适应，到后来我看到了自己终于一点一点越来越可以by ear。虽然不完美，但是比起以前无时无刻都想要依赖乐谱的时候稍微容易上手了。 从学Blues（major blues 和minor blues），然后学怎么用transcribe solo有效练习，还有很重要的 articulations，怎么在Autumn Leaves 典型swing的时候玩一连串的straight eighth notes, etc.  我很记得他说如果想要学会怎么 有效地提升自己听歌的能力，可以和朋友一起听 ，然后互相 讨论 歌的细节。 Alexandra K. Trenfor 有句名言："The best teachers are those who show you where to look, but don't tell you what to see." 在爵士出生地New Orleans和纽约两岸跑，加上在Berklee毕业的J真的让我学到了很多在任何教科书上没有的东西 ---- SPIRIT 我当时候不明白他解释说 spirit这个东西每个人都不一样，我必须要往自己的生活里面找 。就好像J不会比我明白我所在的地方这里的音乐，我也没有办法要模仿成别人的样子。我的敲击乐percussion老师K也说过一样的话。 因此，我更加想要到美国走一回。我想要感受那个黑人爵士乐的spirit，我每次听到来自那里的音乐都很心动。从我最早无限循环播放的黑人trombonists：Trombone Shorty 和 J.J. Johnson开始，到后来我听Ca

Dear Rose, 论文的进度还不错，只不过我没有注意到学校原来有放假时间表！哈哈 没错我今年已经是year 2，我以为自己可以在1.5 year就完成master就毕业的。不知不觉就来到了year 2 的尾声。从原本想着临时抱佛脚的心态赶完所有的论文待办事项，突然有点没有办法接受 “为什么世界不会因我而转” 的心情，去找男朋友问怎么办 … “预料之中” - 男朋友 哈哈哈哈哈哈 对啊我就是习惯了做事情都被惯着：我想做就做，不想做就改天做的态度，常常到了紧要关头才来求救，偏偏每次都遇贵人。想着这个世界真的很善良，自己一直很幸运。 我有时觉得自己很“法国人”。 这个习惯必须改掉。找一个平衡。 要说是因为疫情吗？的确去年2020年的疫情爆发让我们大家都不知所措，很多工作和生活上的调整带来身心的疲惫，真的一整年都不知道在干嘛。 2020年宏愿 Wawasan 2020，真的让我体会到什么叫期望越高失望越大。 昨晚跟我的朋友聊到那些原本安排好的 big plans 可能以后都没有机会去实践了。 我们下一次orchestra tutti 的tuning A 应该是此生最感动的声音 。 那一个 moment 现在凭想象到都开始鸡皮疙瘩，想哭。 有些东西真的是失去了才会显珍贵。 今年2021年原来又是另外一个见不到光的隧道。 在这漫长的等待和无数的希望落空以后，我们不再像以往嚷嚷着要求生活上的改变，而是学习去接受和适应新常态，为这个新生活模式做调整（还是麻木了）。 我的论文也重新回到轨道。虽然比预期的时间轴慢了很多，但这个过程我还是深入学习到了很多很多。 Go the extra mile. It's never crowded.  就算慢一点也没关系啊，比别人多走一米路，付出多一点努力，比起目的地，这个沿途绕的路也会有不同的收获。 昨天听了我老师Marques Young的访谈，提醒了我对自己很重要的 “space”。 以前我也很常告诉朋友我很需要自己的空间，另外一半也必须尊重的一点。 经过这两年的疫情，的确让我们都有了更多的space去思考，和跟自己独处。这个过程一点都不容易啊，我跟大家一样有一段非常焦虑的时期，现在可能找到了一些方法去释放情绪。 疫情强迫我们在以往马不停蹄的生活节奏按下了紧急暂停键，让很多人瞬间不知所措。 很多人在一个屋檐下相处的时间突然间变长了，

Dear Rose, 又是需要整理自己的时间，断舍离自己的思绪很重要。不然情绪还是会来，根本的问题还会在。 练习如何把复杂的事，简单地讲。 尝试了很多方法，从中学开始到现在我果然还是喜欢来 blog 敲敲字。 真爱。 每个人会因为成长而改变，对爱情的价值观也当然会随着改变。 以前单恋学长五年搞得像校园偶像剧，之后因为懵懵懂懂的初恋每晚哭得撕心裂肺，中间被认真告白过，也向自己喜欢的人告白过，一点都不觉得被拒绝会怎样，因为纯粹的爱情就是简简单单，我喜欢你的心情希望传达给你。 想着如果这份存粹不被生活给打败得支离破碎就好了。 可惜人长大代表着会变得胆小，变得互相猜疑，欺骗，为了利益和条件而在一起，不管亲情、友谊、还是爱情，为了买房而结婚，为了迎合社会的眼光而生小孩，无聊。 不是真爱，我才不稀罕。 不如专心爱自己，把过剩的爱分享给身边的人，现在这样的生活刚刚好，好到我不需要刚好的谁来滥竽充数。 而且人生很长， 总有一个人的出现像冬天里的太阳，温暖又踏实。 到时候，你的每天就会像春天里的花一样盛开。 我觉得可以盼到这样的一个人，不管过了多久都值得。 ------------------------------------------------------- 总觉得20几岁的爱情和30岁的爱情又不一样。 可能一个人的心因为思想的成熟而开始沉淀了，更接近现实了，所以爱情也被贴上了更多的标签。 而这样日积月累的庸俗只会让人疲惫，很难存粹。 尤其是到了谈婚论嫁的阶段。 发现每个人的第一次结婚，都是按照社会给的尺来衡量。 比如：现在的市场聘金给多少？酒席和红包大概价码在哪里？ 更搞笑，为了这个“结婚”把家里搞得鸡犬不宁，从筹备开始吵架，终于熬到婚礼结束了还在欠债，因为是借钱结的婚。然后比赛生孩子之后的一堆家庭问题就不谈了。 我个人比较奇怪，我习惯做最坏的打算，一边参考别人失败的例子，不想重蹈覆辙。 我觉得结婚还是把尺量自己身上，量力而为就好。 婚礼就应该是一个庆祝两个人相爱的日子，接受祝福步入人生下一个阶段的纪念而已。 如果婚礼可以神圣又是蓝天下进行多美，感觉天气好也是一种祝福的力量：      祝所有结婚的人以后的日子都可以被上天眷顾，相爱的人可以和平幸福永远在一起。 不是被一堆不关系也不认识的人围着，做一场 show。 ------------------------------

Dear Rose, 🌚 Heartbreaking news about the survival of the Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra (MPO) upset many.  I can literally feel the momentum drops along with disappointment and a crash of hope among the local voices.  Despite the heavy strikes from this pandemic, people from the arts and entertainment industry have been working on all alternatives to sustain whichever they can.  And it has been nearly 2 years, with no gigs and live concerts.  The recovering process has been a big failure. Ignorant, stupid, and irresponsible leaders have accumulated a gigantic mass that will continue to affect the country for many generations to come.  Because they kill not just the livelihood, but humanities. Arts has reached its lowest level and very likely, it will continue to be worsened in the hands that commercialize art and everything related to it to become one of the most trivial activities in history.  And we will continue to be merely entertainers .   Entertainment bands. “A few may recei

Dear Rose, I've been thinking a lot about the new world.  And I wish I have time to actually read a few books which can help in sharpening my vision and hope toward life. So after this pandemic, what's next? Since I am engaged with a few things at the moment, eg. thesis, teaching online classes, taking online classes, and sort of exploring new directions of this whole music career ... all I have is one screen.  Gigs and plans keep getting canceled or postponed. Expectations can't be met. Many unpromising circumstances. 2020 was a game-changer for many; whereas 2021 does not seem to get better but I hope it is slightly more bearable as people have learned to become more adaptive for the long run.  // I found this conversation between jazz trumpeter and educator Wynton Marsalis and pianist Lara Downes about what music can do for us in this new world: You play for improvement = self-improvement >> group improvement >> audience >> culture you live in You have

Lately, people are getting obsessed with Clubhouse, a new app that provides a platform for users to share, exchange, and gain information from one another via audio chat social. It helps to connect professionals and amateurs around the world and allows safe communication to happen as it claimed that it provides a privacy policy to improve its security from third-party spying. After a few days of user experience, I find it really helpful in terms of breaking social boundaries while people have to speak their opinions spontaneously, they tend to become more honest and open. However, Clubhouse is a very extroverted place where the majority of introverts feel it is generally too loud and overwhelming for them to raise their hands and speak. This was discussed in a group gathered by introverts and it made me felt so much relieved. I was not the only one who was feeling pressured, panic, overwhelmed, and blushing when it was my turn to speak. Consequently, I tried to speak in some smaller ch

------------------------------------------------ for research purpose --------------------------------------------- "Duke Ellington famously wrote “It Don’t Mean a Thing, If It Ain’t Got That Swing,” but defining exactly what swing has rarely, if ever, been done well.  Gunther Schuller claims that, while its definition may be the most elusive thing in all of jazz, swing is something all good jazz musicians recognize and do." --  K.C. Tague "Swing feel depends on a lot more than just the rhythm of your 8th notes.  Subtle accents created through tonguing are an important part of the groove too.  Articulation also helps lock in the time of your lines. ...... The way that most of the great saxophonists of the past accomplished this was to use a doodle tongue to ghosted or mute the note. Essentially, doodle tonguing is when you gently put your tongue slightly off-center on the reed, letting the note still sound. That creates a muted sound, and when you take your tongue off