Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus Part I

Lately, people are getting obsessed with Clubhouse, a new app that provides a platform for users to share, exchange, and gain information from one another via audio chat social. It helps to connect professionals and amateurs around the world and allows safe communication to happen as it claimed that it provides a privacy policy to improve its security from third-party spying. After a few days of user experience, I find it really helpful in terms of breaking social boundaries while people have to speak their opinions spontaneously, they tend to become more honest and open.

However, Clubhouse is a very extroverted place where the majority of introverts feel it is generally too loud and overwhelming for them to raise their hands and speak. This was discussed in a group gathered by introverts and it made me felt so much relieved. I was not the only one who was feeling pressured, panic, overwhelmed, and blushing when it was my turn to speak. Consequently, I tried to speak in some smaller chatrooms created by my close friends. Public speaking is always a skill I struggle with most, it takes time for me to warm up to new people.

My friends and I have been interested in discussing relationships related topics. Some of us are single and want to start a new relationship, whereas some of us have been in a relationship for quite some time. A long-distance relationship in this pandemic situation has made things even tougher as we have not been seeing our partner for more than a year. In my case, the same old issues have always been recurring and seemed no way to resolve. We always claimed that it shall be done by having effective communication and understanding towards our partner. Apparently, conflicts and arguments occurred like before. At last, I expressed what I have been feeling in Clubhouse while my partner was in the chatroom with the hope that someone could provide a solution to our situation. </3   

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I decided to pick up this book I bought a long time ago, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, by John Gray.

I have read a few pages and feel overwhelmed. *breatheeee in, breathe out*

Hence, I am going to slowly highlight some points that I find arguably helpful:

• A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results.

• To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own. 

• A woman's sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships. 

• Martians are solution-oriented. If something is working, their motto is don't change it. "Don't fix it unless it is broken" is a common expression.

• Venusians are relationship-oriented. They firmly believe that when something is working it can always work better. Their nature is to want to improve things. Offering advice and constructive criticism is an act of love.

• Hence, when a woman tries to improve a man, he feels she is trying to fix him. He receives the message that he is broken. She doesn't realize her caring attempts to help him may humiliate him. She mistakenly thinks she is just helping him to grow.

• Give up giving advice. Like their Martian ancestors, men pride themselves on being experts, especially when it comes to fixing mechanical things, getting places, or solving problems. These are the times when he needs her loving acceptance the most and not her advice or criticism.

• Learning to listen. Many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. 

• When our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach.

• A man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.

• To feel better Martians go to their caves to solve problems alone.

• To feel better Venusians get together and openly talk about their problems.

• A woman under stress is NOT immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problem but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. 

• Through exploring her feelings in this process she gains a greater awareness of what is really bothering her, and then suddenly she is no longer so overwhelmed. Whether she's talking about her problems or others' problems, talking is a natural and healthy Venusian reaction to stress.

• To forget her own painful feelings a woman may become emotionally involved in the problems of others.

• When women talk about problems, men usually resist. A man assumes she is talking with him about the problems because she is holding him responsible. The more problems, the more he feels blamed. He does not realize that she is talking to feel better.

• Martians talk about problems only for two reasons: they are blaming someone or they are seeking advice. 

• He thinks if he explains himself that she will stop blaming him. The more he defends himself, however, the more upset she becomes. He does not realize an explanation is not what she needs.

• He does not realize that she is looking not for a solution from him but for his caring and understanding.

• Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.

• A woman can make it a little easier for a man by letting him know in advance the outcome of the story and then go back and give the details. Avoid keeping him in suspense.

• Once a Venusian feels heard she stops dwelling on her problems and becomes very positive. With this awareness, a Martian was able to listen without feeling responsible for solving all her problems. 

• The real problem is that she feels unloved, not that she is talking about problems. As men learn to listen without feeling blamed or responsible, listening becomes much easier.

• The Venusians also found peace of mind when they finally understood that Martian going into his cave was not a sign that he didn't love her much.

• Women learned that this was not the time to have intimate conversations but a time to talk about problems with their friends or have fun and go shopping. When the Martians thereby felt loved and accepted, they would come out from their caves more quickly. 

To be continued ...